Well, Spring Break is basically over. I haven’t done everything on my to do list. I never get it all done, but I do feel like I had a balance of productivity and relaxation this week. I still have this weekend to get some more stuff done, particularly work stuff because I haven’t really worked since Monday. Oh, and I haven’t done my taxes yet either, so maybe I’ll tackle those this weekend, too.
As for eating, well, I haven’t had desserts or chocolate or candy, so I guess that’s a win, but I do feel like I’ve just replaced those with other things like one night I had a couple of glasses of wine (hello, sugar) and tonight I ate some cheddar/caramel popcorn (duh, sugar there). It’s been frustrating that the scale hasn’t gone down this week even after days that I thought I did well. Today I sort of ate my feelings and didn’t really pay attention to what was going in, just that it wasn’t desserts or chocolate or candy. Doctor’s appointment is in one week…
Working out has gone okay this week. I went to Planet Fitness on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and did C25K Week 2 this week. I think I’ll move up to Week 3 next week and see how that goes. I’m not that optimistic that I’m going to be able to do it as it is written because jogging is still not easy at all, but I’m going to try. On Tuesday, I cleaned quite a bit, so there was a lot of movement there. On Thursday, I went on a walk on the trail by where I live. I didn’t really keep track of my distance or time very well, but I know I went between 3 and 3.5 miles. It felt good and it felt like I was walking at a good pace. It was really windy but that sun was out and the temperature was around 70 degrees, so I’m glad I went.
My mood has been really down the last couple of days. I’m just in a funk and I’m not sure how to get out or if I want to get out. There’s a lot to think about if I let myself think about it so it was nice to sort of zone out tonight and watch three episodes of the new season of Queer Eye while playing games on my phone and eating that stupid popcorn. I just don’t feel great about myself in a few ways. Life hasn’t turned out the way I ever thought it would and most of the time I’m okay with that, but these last few days I haven’t been okay with some stuff. I like my job; I recognize that I have a really good job. I like being involved in the things I’m involved in, even though it’s probably too many and I should get rid of one or two things on my plate but I’m not sure how to do that or who to ask to take over for me. I like that I know I can be independent and live on my own and be okay. I’m just confused as to why I feel this way and frustrated about why I can’t seem to get other parts of my life together such as my body and how I feel about it and my relationships and why no one seems to want to marry me or, at least, no one seems very sure about it. Maybe I’m not meant to be married. Now that I’ve lived on my own for awhile, I very much value my alone time and my space here. I do want a house sometime with a yard so that I can have a dog, but I could do that without being married. I just don’t know why the idea of marrying me is so scary to other people or so repulsive that they don’t want to do it. I’m nice. I don’t think I’m high maintenance. Why does it take so long for others to figure out if they want to be with me or not? Sometimes I just wish I could actually talk to God and figure out what He’s trying to tell me. Do these feelings mean that I should figure out how to move on and just be content by myself? Or am I supposed to be where I am? Is this where He wants me? I know I need to pray more. I just find it really difficult to know what He’s saying back.